(first written 12-2-2005)
Okay so now that I got my potato chip rant over with, we can continue with the problems with the world. This one has affected a lot of people if not everyone: The Israel-Palestine conflict. Now the way I see it is once again very simplistic. Two groups are fighting over the same land; both have proof that they have the right to the land. Not only to they have proof, they have irrefutable proof that they, and not the other group, own that land and their people belong there. Currently, the Israelis hold over the three lands and recently have given up one of them. This is a big step forward to finally ending the conflict. However, there will always be radicals that will never be completely satisfied until they get everything they want. My solution? Well I would suggest a time share. You know, they switch and share it on alternating weekends. Nobody gets it during the week and they switch every week having their people live there. On holidays, it’s a scramble for the first one there gets to have it for that holiday. So when Passover collides with Ramadan, get a TV camera and tape the magic!
So who is angry with me by now? How about we try something a little more radical? How about we kill everyone and no one gets the land? How does that sound? Suddenly a time share doesn’t sound so bad.
No? How about we do something even simpler than the first two? We flip a fucking coin! Heads or tails? To decide who gets to choose heads or tails, they have an ‘odds or evens’ match. To decide who gets to choose that, the two leaders of their respective groups will have an arm wrestling contest, a dance competition, and a poetry reading. Best two out of three wins. There I decided everything. I left enough chance to both groups that no one can go away empty handed. If the Palestines lose, they can at least say “Hey, at least our guy served Sharon!” no one’s upset this way. There! Problem solved. Next!
-Sam D.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Important Issue 2
(first written 11-18-2005)
Now that we have gotten the issue of gas out of the way, we can talk about something truly important: potato chips.
Right off the bat, I want to point something out to everyone. The original brand of Doritos is called ‘Cooler Ranch’. It’s not called cool ranch or even ranch. It’s called cooler ranch. Don’t we have to establish what ranch, and then what cool ranch is first. Maybe that was how they planned everything. First introduce ranch. And when people get bored of that you put out cool ranch and when they’re bored of that, you put out cooler ranch. It even sounds arrogant. This particular bag of chips is filled with cooler ranch than the leading competitor. Isn’t that a judgment call at that point? For example: I personally like Herrs’s Sour Cream and Onion over Lays’s Sour Cream and Onion. That’s a personal thing. But Lays makes a better potato flavored chip. And while I’m on a tangent, have you noticed how little you see those anymore. There are never just original potato chips anymore. They all taste like other things now. Like pizza. Hell, if I wanted something that tasted like pizza I’d order a pizza, extra cheese. (If you notice, they don’t make it pepperoni pizza or mushroom pizza. It’s just pizza).
Back to Doritos: they are starting to become a McDonalds. Here’s why: they have now started super-sizing their bags. I was at the super market (and yes I went shopping. See future e-mails for details) and I bought a 27 oz bag of Doritos (Cooler Ranch) for $5. 27 oz!!!! That is over a pound and a half! That is ridicules. And for five bucks! I could buy a #1 value meal at McDonalds for the same price. Which is better? Well my money went to the Doritos. It is two full meals for me where as the McDonalds would be almost a full one. Just goes to show: chips rule all.
Warning! Tangent beginning
I think there should be a chip test at the gates of heaven. Like if you’re right on the boarder line as they’re gauging whether you can get in or not, they give you the chip test. Can you eat just one? Just one delicious and highly addictive chip? The problem with this is I can’t figure out which place you go if you can do it.
As far as I know (and I don’t [At least I admit it]), quitting an addiction of spuds is leaps and bound above quitting cigarettes. I’m not saying alcohol, ‘cause that’s got a whole twelve step program and everything. That is legit. Not like cigarettes where they just say stop and try and cope. That’s lame. But quitting chips: That’s hard. You go through massive withdrawal: i.e. cravings. Cravings are hard to deal with. I know. I’ve tried.
I’m going to end on that note. The next one is a mystery to me so it will be for you as well. Most likely: something more important than potato chips….maybe.
-Sam D
Now that we have gotten the issue of gas out of the way, we can talk about something truly important: potato chips.
Right off the bat, I want to point something out to everyone. The original brand of Doritos is called ‘Cooler Ranch’. It’s not called cool ranch or even ranch. It’s called cooler ranch. Don’t we have to establish what ranch, and then what cool ranch is first. Maybe that was how they planned everything. First introduce ranch. And when people get bored of that you put out cool ranch and when they’re bored of that, you put out cooler ranch. It even sounds arrogant. This particular bag of chips is filled with cooler ranch than the leading competitor. Isn’t that a judgment call at that point? For example: I personally like Herrs’s Sour Cream and Onion over Lays’s Sour Cream and Onion. That’s a personal thing. But Lays makes a better potato flavored chip. And while I’m on a tangent, have you noticed how little you see those anymore. There are never just original potato chips anymore. They all taste like other things now. Like pizza. Hell, if I wanted something that tasted like pizza I’d order a pizza, extra cheese. (If you notice, they don’t make it pepperoni pizza or mushroom pizza. It’s just pizza).
Back to Doritos: they are starting to become a McDonalds. Here’s why: they have now started super-sizing their bags. I was at the super market (and yes I went shopping. See future e-mails for details) and I bought a 27 oz bag of Doritos (Cooler Ranch) for $5. 27 oz!!!! That is over a pound and a half! That is ridicules. And for five bucks! I could buy a #1 value meal at McDonalds for the same price. Which is better? Well my money went to the Doritos. It is two full meals for me where as the McDonalds would be almost a full one. Just goes to show: chips rule all.
Warning! Tangent beginning
I think there should be a chip test at the gates of heaven. Like if you’re right on the boarder line as they’re gauging whether you can get in or not, they give you the chip test. Can you eat just one? Just one delicious and highly addictive chip? The problem with this is I can’t figure out which place you go if you can do it.
As far as I know (and I don’t [At least I admit it]), quitting an addiction of spuds is leaps and bound above quitting cigarettes. I’m not saying alcohol, ‘cause that’s got a whole twelve step program and everything. That is legit. Not like cigarettes where they just say stop and try and cope. That’s lame. But quitting chips: That’s hard. You go through massive withdrawal: i.e. cravings. Cravings are hard to deal with. I know. I’ve tried.
I’m going to end on that note. The next one is a mystery to me so it will be for you as well. Most likely: something more important than potato chips….maybe.
-Sam D
Important Issue 1
(first written 11-17-05)
Because of the state of the world these days, I’ve picked some things I’d like to give my opinion about. The main thing you have to remember is that my opinion is most likely the best idea…ever.
Does gas cost an arm and a leg yet? Well the way it’s going, we’re on our way. It makes me happy that I don’t have a car. But it also makes me sad, for when I do have a car it takes 17 gallons to fill. At 2.79 a gallon, that easily comes to a cost of… a fortune! I’m not made of money. I only know one guy who died at birth who was made of money. (I know you’re asking how I knew a guy who died at birth. Let’s just not get into that now). Now the big deal with gas right now is that, because of Katrina and other sources, we now are running out of gas, making the price higher. Now I know I’m one of those naïve people you hear about, but wouldn’t it make sense to strive towards hybrids and maybe just maybe try to use other sources of energy. How about solar power? And I know we can get more creative than that. How about carrot juice or a mixture of carrots and apricot juice? Don’t dismiss this as silliness! You and I both know that if they tried, they could make engines run on anything. I have another solution, let’s try conservation. Now repeat after me: con—ser—vation. We could maybe, just maybe, not drive to the convenience store that is across the street. There should me a minimum of a half mile that people should have to walk instead of drive. They don’t have to walk; they can use any non-gas mode of transportation. Biking, jogging, skipping, parasailing, flying, teleportation. Ok, so those last three are a little unreasonable; the point is still valid. The only reason you should be able to drive less than half a mile is time constraints. I’m a big believer on being on time and even early. So if you’re going to be late to something because you skip slower than everyone else (you know who you are), you can drive. There’s one condition; if you drive, you have to feel bad about doing it. Apologize to all the non-drivers and to the people and place you are meeting.
I realize (and by now I hope you do too) that this is a very simplistic way of fixing problems. But I say this, and no one seams to care or notice: What the Hell is wrong with simple fixes? There is a simple fix to being on fire. Ok, bad analogy. I just think that the simple solutions are often overlooked and that they are taken for granted. Sure you could get a genetic engineer to clone me a light bulb that isn’t broken to replace a broken one, or I could just buy another one. In this case technologies are reversed. For gases, let’s move on. Exhaust the source; the more we do, the more of a priority it will be to find different source. Who knows? Maybe carrot juice gets really good mileage. We haven’t tried it yet.
I’m finished, I have read it through, and now, so have you. I’m sorry for wasting your time. Please respond, regardless if it is just hate-mail.
Happy birthday!
-Sam D.
P.S. if you were paying attention, I said in my first e-mail from college that I would talk about this. It’s taken me over 10 weeks to do it, but I did.
Because of the state of the world these days, I’ve picked some things I’d like to give my opinion about. The main thing you have to remember is that my opinion is most likely the best idea…ever.
Does gas cost an arm and a leg yet? Well the way it’s going, we’re on our way. It makes me happy that I don’t have a car. But it also makes me sad, for when I do have a car it takes 17 gallons to fill. At 2.79 a gallon, that easily comes to a cost of… a fortune! I’m not made of money. I only know one guy who died at birth who was made of money. (I know you’re asking how I knew a guy who died at birth. Let’s just not get into that now). Now the big deal with gas right now is that, because of Katrina and other sources, we now are running out of gas, making the price higher. Now I know I’m one of those naïve people you hear about, but wouldn’t it make sense to strive towards hybrids and maybe just maybe try to use other sources of energy. How about solar power? And I know we can get more creative than that. How about carrot juice or a mixture of carrots and apricot juice? Don’t dismiss this as silliness! You and I both know that if they tried, they could make engines run on anything. I have another solution, let’s try conservation. Now repeat after me: con—ser—vation. We could maybe, just maybe, not drive to the convenience store that is across the street. There should me a minimum of a half mile that people should have to walk instead of drive. They don’t have to walk; they can use any non-gas mode of transportation. Biking, jogging, skipping, parasailing, flying, teleportation. Ok, so those last three are a little unreasonable; the point is still valid. The only reason you should be able to drive less than half a mile is time constraints. I’m a big believer on being on time and even early. So if you’re going to be late to something because you skip slower than everyone else (you know who you are), you can drive. There’s one condition; if you drive, you have to feel bad about doing it. Apologize to all the non-drivers and to the people and place you are meeting.
I realize (and by now I hope you do too) that this is a very simplistic way of fixing problems. But I say this, and no one seams to care or notice: What the Hell is wrong with simple fixes? There is a simple fix to being on fire. Ok, bad analogy. I just think that the simple solutions are often overlooked and that they are taken for granted. Sure you could get a genetic engineer to clone me a light bulb that isn’t broken to replace a broken one, or I could just buy another one. In this case technologies are reversed. For gases, let’s move on. Exhaust the source; the more we do, the more of a priority it will be to find different source. Who knows? Maybe carrot juice gets really good mileage. We haven’t tried it yet.
I’m finished, I have read it through, and now, so have you. I’m sorry for wasting your time. Please respond, regardless if it is just hate-mail.
Happy birthday!
-Sam D.
P.S. if you were paying attention, I said in my first e-mail from college that I would talk about this. It’s taken me over 10 weeks to do it, but I did.
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