Give a Square of Appluase

(first written 12-18-2006)

I’m usually not one for long, standing ovations, but I’ve been thinking about the process and the idea of clapping in general. I filed this report:

I’d like to start with the different types of claps. But I can’t, so I’ll get to that later. First I’d like to explain when something is even worth applauding. The most important reason to clap is that the person/action is present. This automatically gets rid of people clapping in movie theaters, on planes, or in front of their own TVs (two things: even though the pilot is actually there, they are in the cockpit and are not being viewed by the clappers. Second thing is that I am indeed audacious enough to tell people that they shouldn’t be clapping in front of a television even if it is in their own home. Deal with it). Second necessity for obtaining merit for applause is an action. Sorry to all stones or art pieces (artists are fine to clap for while they are presenting their product), but to deserve applause you have to have done something. I’m even pretty relaxed about this rule too. It doesn’t matter what they do, as long as it is indeed an action. Hell, sometimes I clap for people who have done mediocre tasks for comedic effect. The third and final part only comes into play after clapping has been initiated. It’s simply that it has to end. Each action deserves a different amount of time, but they must end in a timely fashion. Some of us have boring e-mails to waste their friend’s time with.

Now I can get on to the types of clapping. For reasons I haven’t made up yet, I’m only going to explain three of the most common forms. The first is the ‘amateur stroke’. This is taking both hands, putting them together, and pulling them apart and putting them together again repeatedly. This type of clap is good for short efficient applauding, but can and will make your hands hurt if used for marathon applauses (examples include graduation, endings of plays, or a long game of ‘Ms. Mary Mack). I call this the ‘amateur stroke’ because it is the simplest one to perform and can be used anywhere anytime if you don’t mind a little wear and tear now and then. On to the second one: the ‘pro-clap’. This is done (similar to making good armpit farts) by turning one hand so that they are almost perpendicular to each other and trying to capture a small amount of air to be crushed all at once. This makes for a louder, more impactful sound. If you want to be the person whose claps are heard by everyone, practice this one. Once you find the right position of your hands, you will notice the difference. The benefits of this clap are in speed. Since you have to concentrate on the proper positioning, you are allowed to slow down, thus making it so your hand experience less activity, saving them from soreness. The louder sound also helps the reasoning for less of them. I dubbed this the ‘pro-clap’ because of its difficulty. I have found people who still cannot do it, despite my multiple efforts to explain it to them. The last clap is reserved for people of prestige and honor. I’m going to call it ‘spinal clap’; just a play on spinal tap… a more accurate nape when be ‘queen’s tap’. This is done by lightly tapping your left wrist with the tips of your fingers of your right hand. Be warned though: though easily the easiest to perform, it is often rude to use such a clap. It implies that you are too good to use the full potential of your hands to cheer for their actions. Nobles have used this clap to show respect without bringing themselves to the level of, as they called it, peon clapping. So if you try to use it, you will be seen as mocking the performer, unless, you are in fact, royalty. That being said, this clap can be used as a sarcastic action when you are NOT impressed with someone’s (hopefully someone you know) actions.

Now take this knowledge and make it so I never have to hear bad clapping (or any clapping) at a movie theater.


That’s my report on clapping. Check please!
-The Big Sleazy “keeping you from your child since 1999!”